Afghanistan’s only pig quarantined in flu fear

I’m a sorry excuse for a swine, a
donation from far-away China,
and baffled to find myself here in
a place where a pig is for fearin’

For the Afghans are fans of polemic,
and there’s talk of the horrid pig flu.
They hear tales of a worldwide pandemic;
and their thoughts turn to ol’ you-know-who.

From the daybreak they gape and they gawk
and they stare with their eyes like a hawk.
In this place, an exotic, rare beast
like myself isn’t meat for a feast

Look, I know that I haven’t been warrantied;
I’m not asking to get a parade.
I’d be okay with just being quarantined,
but, hey pal, please don’t throw that grenade.

So just pack me away in my room -
I’ll be fine in the windowless gloom.
I will give you my humble compliance;
but please, next time, try learning some science.

It’s so hard all alone in the town;
well, the goat’s pretty cute, but she’s taken.
But I guess I should not get so down -
hey, I’m not getting turned into bacon.

Man flies with a monkey under his hat

Ensure your seatbelt’s fastened, Sir;
you needn’t make it tight.
The trolley’s coming past, and Sir,
relax, enjoy your flight.

Though, Sir, you have a beastie, Sir -
I hate to cause alarm;
I’m certain that, at least, he, Sir
won’t do you any harm.

Forgive this humble flunky, Sir,
but Sir, it must be said,
I think some kind of monkey, Sir
is napping on your head.

He hasn’t got a ticket, Sir,
without certification
I think you’re gonna brick it, Sir
at US immigration

Naked Swiss hikers must cover up

In our cold Appenzell Innerrhoden
we can frequently find ourselves snowed in
but still some, feeling tough,
go and hike in the buff
and it fills us with fearful forboding.

For they stride through the streets of our canton
and they’ve neither a shirt nor a pant on;
and to hike in the nude
is repulsive and rude -
a position we’ll never recant on.

Splendid Switzerland’s scenic and striking,
when it’s empty of naturists hiking.
So begone, we declare!
Take your bareness elsewhere,
for your nudity’s not to our liking!

Cow urine drink set to launch

My drink will beat all other drinks
(or so this hard-line Hindu thinks).
It packs a special punch - and how?
It’s pre-digested by a cow.
Yes, mine’s the only kind of fizz
that’s freshly brewed from bovine whizz.
What soda boasts the sanctity
of holy Hindu cattle pee?
Not Pepsi-cola, Coke or Sprite;
though Red Bull sounds as though it might,
I must assure you: none but this
has healthy, wholesome heifer piss.

US woman gets dead fiance’s sperm

It is not very often you see men
like my guy - he was stronger than three men
brave and clever, a sexual demon -
but he died, and I have to affirm
that I’m wanting his wonderful sperm.

For we’d recently taken to schemin’,
cos for years we’d been hoping and dreamin’
for a kid - we don’t mind all the screamin’ -
but in order to carry to term,
I require his remarkable sperm.

Well, I hope you don’t think I’m blasphemin’,
but my God, his poor testes were teemin’
with his potent and plentiful semen -
oh, just think how they squiggle and squirm
those miraculous, marvellous sperm!

So, as crazy as this might be seemin’,
I went straight to the courts, to the plea men
for assistance - and soon I was beamin’.
Oh, what joy to hear judges confirm:
I can store that sensational sperm.

Polish politician fumes over “gay” elephant in zoo

Our new elephant house is amazing -
it’s the greatest in Europe, they say -
and all that detracts
from our pride is the fact
that our elephant stud is a gay.

We had fabulous hopes for young Ninio -
to ensure that he’d score with the chicks,
we spent mega-zloty
on elephant totty
but all that delights him is dicks.

All the cows are seductive and sexy:
tempting trunks, tempting tusks, tempting tails
they could increase the herd,
but it’s never occurred
for our boy can enjoy only males.

We want to have calves and calf-esses
but we’ve just no idea what to try
we just can’t accept
that this creature be kept
unless we can make him be bi.

Councils get banned jargon list
Our client base cannot engage with government’s verbosity;
review this core initiative, with maximum priority.
Commission terminology with clear coterminosity
then reconfigure documents dispatched by our authority.

Hero in underpants ‘tackles ‘roo’

In the Canberra night, all seemed quiet, or not quite -
whilst Beat Ettlin was settling in bed
in his Bond’s underwear, an intruder prepared
an attack that would fill him with dread.

Then it launched its assault with a vigorous vault
to our underpant hero’s divan.
The mysterious ninja began to impinge
on the sleep of our slips-sporting man.

He adjusted his briefs, then he busted the thief
that had hatched such a hullabaloo.
But imagine his awe when he suddenly saw
he was pushing a bush kangaroo.

With a wicked left hook, Ettlin walloped the crook
as it capered around on the couch.
Then our boxer-clad boxer delivered a shock
with a skillful one-two to the pouch.

His shreddies were shredded, his bed was in threads
and his briefs had been brutally breached.
In this undeclared war, Mr Undie-clad swore
no surrender could ever be reached.

So he wrestled the ‘roo to the floor, then he threw
the marsupial out of the door.
It hopped back to the bush, whilst our victor’s poor tush
was left raw and incredibly sore.

Joe the Plumber

There once was a Plumber named Joe,
with years of back taxes to owe.
When fame came a’knockin’,
he figured he’d clock-in
and try to hold onto the dough.

To my special friend Gordon, 25 DVDs: Obama gives Brown a set of classic movies. Let’s hope he likes the Wizard of Oz
Attention! The world’s in a crisis
I’m afraid that Obama’s unfit;
not because of Iran
or the stimulus plan,
but his presents to me, the chief Brit.

I thought our relations were special,
but the President can’t comprehend
that I’m not some yahoo
from Palau or Peru,
I’m his crony, his cohort, his friend!

I gave him a penholder, crafted
with every intention to please,
from HMS Gannet -
unique on this planet -
and he gave me crap DVDs!

I’d worked really hard on that present.
I’d been angsting and wracking my brain
so I felt kind of pissed
to get Schindler’s List,
Casablanca and Citizen Kane.

I struggled to not be offended,
but I have to admit that I am.
I’m not that thin-skinned,
but Gone With the Wind
says “Frankly, I don’t give a damn.”

Obama, what did I do wrongly?
Please don’t leave me feeling this way!
Screw Angela Merkel,
keep ME in your circle.
It’s Brown 4 Obama, OK?